There’s no way it’s coming back by popular demand, but we’ll continue our analysis of the Big Ten’s non-conference schedule week by week.
In case you missed the first installment(s) of this nonsense, here you go:
The best
Michigan Wolverines vs. Texas Longhorns
Saturday, 11am | FOX
I hate it already, thanks.
Classification: 1/5
Silent rating: 4/5
Illinois Fighting Illini vs. Kansas Jayhawks
Saturday, 6 p.m. | FS1
That’s why we watch football, guys.
That’s deeply unfair to Kansas, of course, who will likely enter the year ranked and look to be legitimately fun again in 2024: Jalon Daniels is back along with running back Devin Neal.
But no matter if it’s an Illinois football game or your niece’s baptism, BERT can turn anything into a mud wrestling competition. If Luke Altmeyer has a couple of weapons, we’re going to break through and score some points.
Classification: 5/5
The Nebraska Cornhuskers vs. the Colorado Buffaloes
Saturday, 6:30 pm | KeynoteUSA
Thank goodness Illini-Jayhawks exists, otherwise I might break down and watch this game, possibly even rooting for Matt Rhule (and only Matt Rhule) in the process.
Classification: 4/5
Oregon Ducks vs. Boise State Broncos
Saturday, 9 p.m. | Peacock
One of the strange feelings of “guilt” (if you can call it that, the healthiest part of my hiatus is a newfound lack of worry) I feel about putting Oregon-Boise here is that there can’t be four games that are the best. But the B1GPac teams have added a new schedule for bad football (or, in this case, good football)!
The Broncos get Ashton Jeanty back, somehow, and added USC transfer quarterback Malachi Nelson. I don’t know what a “coach Spencer Danielson” is, but I’m guessing he’s an interim, promoted one, because the Broncos were a disaster under Andy Avalos and then made it to the Mountain West title game anyway.
That’s the level of research you get, folks.
Classification: 3.5/5
The depressed one
Northwestern Wildcats vs. Duke Blue Devils
Friday, 8pm | FS1
This marks the last game for the foreseeable future for the Northwestern-Duke non-rivalry.
Thank God.
Since the series resumed in 2015, Northwestern has gone 2-5 against the Blue Devils, winning the first two and then losing five straight to Duke, mostly in noncompetitive fashion. Nobody goes to the game, nobody has fun, and in ten years, when some young pup at InsideNU publishes an article titled “Why Doesn’t Northwestern Play Duke Football Again?” I’m going to drive up to his classroom at Medill and stand outside holding a sternly worded letter. They didn’t discover the Taphorn-to-Pardon pass, kids.
Classification: 0/5
Iowa Hawkeyes vs. Iowa State Cyclones
Saturday, 2:30 p.m. | C.B.S.
Iowa will likely have more points at the end of the game, but I think we all know there are no winners in ¡El Assico!
Classification: Hawkeyes 5, Cyclones 4
The rest
Indiana Hoosiers vs. Western Illinois Leathernecks (Friday, 6:00 p.m., BTN)
Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. Rhode Island Rams (Saturday, 11 a.m., Peacock)
Penn State Nittany Lions vs. Bowling Green Falcons (Saturday, 11 a.m., BTN)
Rutgers Scarlet Knights vs. Akron Zips (Saturday, 11 a.m., BTN)
Washington Huskies vs. Eastern Michigan Eagles (Saturday, 2:30 p.m., BTN)
Wisconsin Badgers vs. South Dakota Coyotes (Saturday, 2:30 p.m., BTN)
Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Western Michigan Broncos (Saturday, 6:30 p.m., BTN)
USC Trojans vs. Utah State Aggies (Saturday, 10 p.m., BTN)
Some MACrifices (4) and FCS kills (3), along with a MWCrifice, which I guess are old habits that refuse to die on the West Coast. There’s not much else to see, although if the Huskies don’t click right away, maybe Chris Creighton and the Fightin’ EMUs will make it interesting in Seattle.
Otherwise, whether you love the game or hate it, there’s something in every time slot in Week 2. Happy viewing.
Keynote USA
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